Help! I’ve Been Married for a Year, and I Already Think It’s Time for Divorce. (2024)

Dear Prudence is Slate’s advice column. Submit questions here. (It’s anonymous!)

Dear Prudence,

I’ve been married for a year and a half and need help determining if it’s time to cut my losses and divorce. My marriage has not been what I thought it would be, by any stretch. My husband and I fought all the time in the lead-up to our wedding (grappling with insomnia, a family estrangement, financial challenges, etc.). I’d hoped things would get better after the wedding—we enjoyed periods of consistent joy earlier in our relationship and I was excited to get back to that—only that consistency has never returned. We’ve had some good days, and what feels like far more bad days. We still fight all the time. He’s been laid off twice since our wedding, unemployed for more than half of the time we’ve been married. His resulting self-esteem crisis has left me in a marriage that feels like it’s hanging on by a thread.

I just want to consistently feel loved and supported, and while I know my husband does love and care for me, his inability to bring his best self to our marriage with any degree of consistency has been devastating. I feel alone. I know he’s trying to do better—he’s in therapy, has expressed how much he wants to show up for me, etc.—but I’m tired of being unhappy. I can’t stand the thought of waking up to another day of unhappiness. To add complexity, I’m nearing the age where I need to have children if I ever want to have them. I still love my husband and ideally want to have children with him, but I can’t imagine taking that next step with him when we haven’t even had the chance to enjoy our marriage, just the two of us.
What should I do?

—Running Out of Hope

Dear Out of Hope,

Insomnia, family estrangement, financial challenges, layoffs … Yes, these things are tough, but they are also the exact kinds of tough things that are pretty normal parts of life. A marriage that can only work when everyone is sleeping well and making good money and free of conflict with any relative is not a marriage. In fact, your partner should ideally be the person who makes coping with all of the challenging things being an adult throws at us feel more manageable. If you have children, parenting stress will just become the next thing on the list of excuses for why he can’t show up for you. I’m not saying he’s a bad guy. I believe that he loves you and is trying, but it’s not working. Listen to yourself. You’re miserable and there’s no reason to think things will improve. Get out.

Got a question about kids, parenting, or family life? Submit it to Care and Feeding!

Dear Prudence,

I have a 10-year-old son whom I gave up for adoption when I was 17. I wasn’t the best person nor could I take care of him financially. My older brother stepped in and adopted him at 3 months old and has been raising him as his own ever since.

Well, I’m a changed person now and I have a completely different life. I absolutely love the Lord and want to do right by him. I’ve now had a relationship with my son for almost three years and I’m getting to spend more time with him and have him more. The problem I have is when I visit my son at his house, I’ve noticed he’s very spoiled and disobedient. I feel like a lot of it has to do with the fact that he’s the baby of the family and his mom lets him get away with a lot. Lately, when I take my other kids over, my son is mean to his younger siblings. How do I approach his mom about his behavior without her getting mad or me ruining the good relationship we all now have. I really want my son to treat his siblings better and to grow up and be a good god-fearing man.

—A Little Advice

Dear Little,

You can bring up your concerns, but I want you to be very careful and very specific. The conversation with your son’s mom should be about how his treatment of your other kids affects them (so provide a couple of recent examples), and whether there’s anything the two of you can do to help all the kids get along and make sure the little ones are physically and emotionally safe. And that’s it. While I understand that you gave birth to him and feel invested in his upbringing—it’s not as if we’re talking about a random friend’s kid here—you have to respect that your brother has taken on that responsibility and gets the accompanying privilege of parenting in the way that makes sense to him. And yes, even if his approach seems flawed to you. If you decide that after he’s done all the hard work, you’re going to step in with a critique, it won’t go well. Trust me.

To stay in your lane and preserve the relationship, keep your criticism of your son’s upbringing to yourself. Remind yourself that your brother is doing his best. And as far as your desire for your son to be god-fearing, your best approach is to be a loving, joyful, kind, supportive person who brightens his life. Be a walking advertisem*nt for the benefits of your faith, and he may one day want to emulate you and believe what you believe. If he comes to know you as someone who complains about how he’s spoiled and disobedient and gets away with too much, you’ll quickly lose any closeness you have with him and ruin your chance to be a positive influence.

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Dear Prudence,

I lost the love of my life to homicide when I was 20. We’d been together since childhood. I’ve dated occasionally after a lot of goading and years of counseling to try to get my life back together, but I just don’t feel that connection with anyone else. I’m in my late 30s and happy in a successful career. I left the area where we grew up shortly after it happened, and recently, I’ve started coming back for business. Every time I run into someone I knew or my parents knew, I’m asked why I’m not married with kids yet. I’ve tried to be polite with my responses, but the questions and badgering don’t stop. I even wear my ring. How do I get people to leave me alone about not having a corporeal husband and stop trying to pawn me off on someone’s never-married nephew?

—Forever Married to My Love

Dear Forever Married,

This is one of those situations in which the question is so tone-deaf, insensitive, and rude, there are few responses that would be truly inappropriate. Even if the reason you weren’t married with kids was simply, “Dating is tough and you hadn’t found the right person,” being forced to explain that to someone you barely know while you’re just trying to run errands could make you feel like crap. People should know that.

So, what you say all depends on what fits your personality and mood, doesn’t drain you too much, and leaves you feeling good. Options include:

“Actually, my partner passed away.”

“That conversation feels a little bit deep for small talk.”

“It’s a long story and actually a pretty painful one that I’m not up for talking about right now.”

“That seems to be what everyone wants to know.”

“Those things don’t seem to be in the cards for me right now.”

“Who knows. How’s your marriage going?”

“My partner was murdered and I haven’t felt a connection with anyone else since, despite years of therapy. Sorry if that’s TMI, but you asked!”

“That’s a tough topic for me to talk about with people I don’t know well.”

“Wow, that’s pretty personal!”

“I’m sure you can imagine a few reasons.”

Catch up on this week’s Prudie.

More Advice From Slate

I am a high-performing individual at my workplace who also suffers from clinical depression and anxiety. I’ve discussed the basic issues with my boss, who seems vaguely supportive without truly understanding—she’s stated that I should do what I need to do for myself without really seeming to understand that sometimes I just can’t bear to come into work because of these illnesses. This year has been challenging so far, and I’ve taken four sick days this year where I’ve supplied other excuses for not being at work. Do I owe it to my boss/company to tell them why I’m really not there? This is a fairly progressive company, but I still fear backlash and prejudice because these are mental vs. physical illnesses.